Dear Auntie DD,
I’ve just been sold to a mob boss. Until yesterday, I was in college, so I don’t have much time to put together my bridal registry. Any advice?
Sincerely,
Getting married in the morning
Dear Getting Married In The Morning,
A box of cornflakes doesn’t have to make arrangements to ensure milk is added. As a lovely object that has been purchased, you need not concern yourself with mundane tasks like creation of a bridal registry. Rest assured that, as a mob boss, your future husband has a large family and many underlings, all of whom will understand that their gifts will be judged by him. If they are not appropriately extravagant, it will be a sign of disrespect, and he will deal with them accordingly.
Now, let’s discuss some more pressing issues. As a young trophy wife/Mafia bride, you can expect a very active sex life and to regularly become the obsession of stalkers and to occasionally get kidnapped by your husband’s rival kingpins.
As time is of the essence, let’s discuss high priority planning.
> Tomorrow night, tell your new husband you’re a virgin. There are a variety of ways that this will be helpful to you and your marriage. And you mustn’t feel guilty if this is a fib. Corn flakes are under no obligation to reveal their pre-box history and neither are you.
> The minute someone starts following you after a chance encounter, you are to tell your hubs you need a bodyguard. That cute guy from the coffee shop may seem sweet and like he really listens to you, but he can’t be trusted. He 100% has a dungeon in his basement. And while your hubby is gruff and only seems interested in his next shipment of illegal guns, in reality, he too is obsessed with you, his pretty virgin trophy wife. Stalker with a dungeon is so not worth the headache of having your alpha hubby decide he must chain you to his bed to keep you out of trouble.
> If kidnapped, you are allowed to be as snarky as you want to the arrogant jerk who abducted you. Your husband has most certainly put a tracking device in something like the gorgeous locket passed down through his family for generations that he gave you on your wedding night. The tracker/locket means Hubs and his armed henchmen will be along to rescue you any minute. (By the way, it’s best not to take this tracking of your whereabouts as an invasion of your privacy. Alas, privacy is not something that will be in strong supply in your marriage. What you can expect though is a platinum card, to always get the most coveted reservations in town, and fabulous vacations around the world.)
Have a lovely wedding & good luck!
Sincerely, Auntie DD
Auntie DD is our agony aunt in residence for all those awkward questions our dear characters so like to struggle with.
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